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Maybe I'm Late: ... give it time

All my life I’ve felt like I was missing something.

It was a bewildering feeling because I knew people spent decades searching for what I found at an early age. My ‘it’ — the thing I knew I could spend the rest of my life doing, my passion. That was supposed to be the cheat code, right? Find your passion then the money, status, and lifestyle comes next (or whatever Nip said).

But actually... no. I realized that while I was moving forward, I was moving aimlessly.

After years of exhausting, laborious, mentally taxing hard work a.k.a hustling, I realized that I hadn't really...gone anywhere.

That realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

“But that’s who I am! BriFromTheD. Bonafide hustler, hobby hopper, internship maniac, holding 2-3 jobs at a time, a Believer, minister," I'd think to myself.

I was putting in THE WORK — personally and professionally. What’s not clicking Steven? *snap* *snap* *snap* *snap* *snap*

I thought that’s what y’all told me to do— pull myself up by the bootstraps, right?! So if that’s not enough..... now what? No seriously what is left...?

So that’s what I've been trying to figure out.

My previous blog entries originally dating back to 2018 were all examples of the times I thought I had it figured out. I’d get some fire under me, be “motivated” and “inspired” by a sudden passionate thought. Make a video (or a few), post a blog (or two)and… fall off the horse. Once all that energy left, so did action. Leaving me wondering, yet again, why?

The stagnancy I faced in my professional life directly affected my personal self worth.

Thoughts attacked me like, "Why can't I be consistent? What is wrong with me? I’m not strong enough, I’m not focused enough, I'm not going hard enough. Maybe I’m just ...not enough. Maybe I wasn't meant to be GREAT."

Then came another epiphany. Who the hell am I?

Hi me, meet me. 🤝

Since I discovering my passion at 10 and tackling it head on by 18, my work became who I was. After many failed aliases (R.I.P. Abanana and ANWEclecticTaste), BriFromTheD was born. I introduced myself as that persona, thought as that persona, made decisions as that persona and had no clear distinction between the wants and desires of BriFromTheD and Abriana.

Until one day, I wake up in the midst of a pandemic, no longer in college, no longer solely pursuing journalism; professional lines were blurred with production and I began to fade with it. Without safety net titles like “student journalist” to fall back on the whole world tilted on its axis and chile I crumbled under its weight.

Speaking of, I’ve struggled with self esteem in relation to body image my whole life. However one day in quarantine I distinctly remember seeing and feeling the C***D 15(lbs) and having something like an outer body experience. Thus began my fitness journey that has literally changed my life. I’ll save specifics for a later time, but I swear to you there is nothing like valuing and prioritizing your physical health. I’ve developed discipline and self worth that I used to Google how to achieve.

During this time, I also entered and left my first adult relationship and reached career/academic highs and lows that all led to me shed my old shell and scavenge the beach vulnerable and in search of a new home.

I see you God. I hear you. I’m listening.

My spiritual awakening took place around my 23rd birthday. Praying, begging, cleansing, releasing, crying, pleading to God to feel His presence and hear Him. Since birth my conscious had been formed around faith in biblical teachings. At the core of who I am, I can never abandon the principles that guide my life.

However, shortly before that emotional day, I had begun to realize that my spirit was quiet. I couldn't hear my conscious. It was one of the most lonely and terrifying realizations I ever had. From that moment I knew I never wanted to live without God's guidance.

After that rainy full moon cleanse, it was time for yet another period of isolation. Time and space to get to know myself, my voice, God’s voice. During that period, I often tried to articulate my who, what, when, where and why but nothing I came up with really resonated with me. That’s because it wasn't really coming from me. My wants were all templates of inspiration I got from external sources.

I do give myself some credit. If you can recall, I have an innate Dory Disposition, a “just keep swimming” mentality that allowed me to still progress professionally. I’ve accomplished many professional milestones that I didn't fully recognize and take advantage of at the time. Working with phenomenal Black professionals and creatives, telling stories of the times and sharing what knowledge I have.

Now, I feel as though I’ve discovered a new room in my brain. The one that held that “something” I’d been missing for the majority of my life — my why.

They say our prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until 25, so maybe my countdown has begun. Because the lights are back on, and the sparkly NYE ball is rising in preparation for the ✨New Me✨.

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